PREPARE
BEFORE
YOU FILE
Divorce. Custody. Parenting time. Child support. Property. Money. Your children's future. Preparation matters.
I am NOT an attorney — more importantly, I am not YOUR attorney. The material on this page represents personal experience, research, opinions and resources. Laws and procedures vary by state. Always consult a qualified attorney or other appropriate professional for advice about your specific situation.
Preparing for Divorce / Breakup
Divorce and custody can be a challenging and emotional time, and the settlement process can be complicated and overwhelming. The goal of preparation is to understand the process, organize information, identify your priorities and make decisions based on facts rather than panic.
THE CORE RULE
Get organized before the process gets organized for you. Understand your finances, your children, your goals, your documents, your parenting responsibilities and the issues that may become important later.
Divorce/Custody Settlement Guide
01. Understand the process
Understand the divorce/custody process in your state, including timelines and legal requirements.
Depending on where you live, there may be different steps involving filing, property division and custody arrangements.
Article: Divorce tactics to consider →02. Read "THE LIST"
The page recommends reviewing and committing to memory THE LIST.
Open THE LIST →The page also references a Dave Ramsey discussion and the importance of preparation.
03. Document everything
The page recommends maintaining documentation throughout the process, including communications, events, parenting activity and relevant evidence.
Always understand your state's laws regarding recording conversations before doing so.
04. Get organized
Organize financial documents and assets before beginning the divorce/custody process.
- Bank statements
- Tax returns
- Investment accounts
- Retirement accounts
- Property records
- Insurance documents
05. Determine your goals
Write down your goals for the divorce/custody agreement. Be realistic about what you are seeking.
Create bullet points explaining the pros and cons of each major goal.
06. Attorney or pro se?
Determine whether hiring an attorney makes sense for your situation. Some situations may be handled through state self-help resources; others may require professional legal assistance.
Consider an attorney, legal aid, paralegal assistance or appropriate pro se resources.
07. Keep emotions in check
Stay calm and focused on the issues at hand. Avoid making major decisions solely from anger, fear or frustration.
- Prepare for allegations and disputes.
- Avoid alcohol or drug use.
- Protect your employment.
- Keep communications factual.
08. Understand property division
Understand how your state divides marital assets and debts. Rules differ between community-property and equitable- distribution states.
09. Tax implications
Divorce can have significant tax consequences involving property, retirement assets, dependents and custody.
IRS: Claiming a child as a dependent →10. Future financial stability
Think beyond the immediate settlement. Consider cost of living, future earnings, child support, insurance and long-term financial obligations.
11. Insurance
Consider health, life and disability insurance after separation/divorce and make sure the decree and insurance arrangements are coordinated appropriately.
12. Focus on the children
Their needs should remain central to custody, parenting time, education, medical care and financial decisions.
13. Focus on yourself
The page emphasizes recovery and rebuilding: hobbies, exercise, eating better, personal growth and healing.
Do not rush into another relationship before you have recovered from the previous one.
14. Keep communication controlled
The page recommends keeping communication open while limiting unnecessary conflict and using a court-approved communication application when appropriate.
Regrets After Signing a Custody Agreement
Not fighting harder
Some parents regret not pursuing more parenting time or a different custody arrangement.
Not considering long-term effects
Custody agreements can affect relationships, distance, schooling and parenting for years.
Not considering the child's wishes
Children may express preferences that parents should thoughtfully consider where appropriate.
Not considering best interests
Decisions should remain focused on the child's welfare rather than simply the parents' immediate conflict.
Not seeking mediation
Mediation can sometimes provide a path toward resolving disagreements without extended litigation.
No clear parenting plan
A detailed parenting plan can reduce confusion and future disputes.
Free parenting certification program →Not consulting a family therapist
The page recommends considering professional support while also emphasizing extreme caution in choosing professionals and understanding the role they may play.
Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting Divorced / Custody
A compilation of issues the page identifies as things litigants may wish they had considered or addressed in their divorce or custody agreement.
Child Tax Credit
If multiple children are involved, address how tax benefits will be allocated between the parents.
Car / Car Insurance
Address future vehicle ownership and insurance obligations, including responsibility for costs.
Passports
Include language requiring cooperation with obtaining or renewing children's passports within defined timeframes.
Medical / Psychological
Clearly define how significant medical and psychological decisions are made and who must agree.
Communication with children
Consider specific language regarding reasonable contact between children and the other parent during periods away.
Scheduling visitation
Define specific days, times and locations rather than relying solely on vague language.
The page recommends considering a right of first refusal provision.
Holidays / special occasions
Consider ALL holidays and special events.
- Funerals
- Graduations
- Weddings
- Severe illness of relatives
- Other major family events
Education / extracurricular
Establish how extracurricular and educational expenses will be approved and paid.
The page recommends that both parents receive reasonable advance notice and an opportunity to attend events.
Parenting certification program →Relocation
Address relocation directly in the parenting plan and establish what happens if a parent moves.
Background requests
The page recommends considering language concerning new significant others and background information.
Important
Do not copy a provision into a court order simply because it appears on this page. Custody and divorce provisions must be drafted and reviewed according to the law and circumstances of the applicable jurisdiction.
Conflict Resolution
Resolving conflicts after a decree can be challenging. The page provides the following framework for handling disagreements.
Open Communication
Foster open and honest communication and encourage respectful dialogue.
Mediation
Consider a neutral third party to facilitate discussions and identify common ground.
Focus on the child's best interest
Prioritize the child's well-being over personal grievances.
Set realistic expectations
Establish realistic roles and responsibilities and clarify ambiguities in the decree.
Legal consultation
Seek legal advice when necessary and understand your rights and responsibilities.
Consistency in co-parenting
Strive for consistency between households to provide stability for the child.
Use a neutral platform
Use neutral communication platforms and maintain written records of agreements and important communications.
Review and update agreements
Parenting plans, custody arrangements and support agreements may need to change as circumstances change.
Therapeutic support
Consider professional support for parents and children where appropriate.
Conflict resolution training
Co-parenting or conflict-resolution classes may provide useful communication and problem-solving tools.
Mutual respect
Avoid hostile behavior that unnecessarily escalates conflict.
Flexible problem-solving
Look for practical solutions that accommodate changing circumstances.
Time-outs
During heated conversations, agree to pause before making emotionally charged decisions.
Parenting coordination
Consider a parenting coordinator where appropriate to assist with recurring parenting disputes.
The objective
Create a healthy and stable environment for the child even when post-decree conflict exists. Patience, empathy and a willingness to cooperate can help move disagreements toward resolution.
Children's Cell Phones
A child's phone can become an important communication tool in a divorced family. The page recommends addressing expectations before conflict develops.
01. Communication
Establish clear agreements about phone usage and rules.
02. Consistency
Try to maintain consistent expectations between households.
03. Parental controls
Discuss appropriate parental controls, filtering and restrictions.
04. Emergency contacts
Ensure important emergency contact information is available.
05. Shared calendar
Use a shared calendar or communication platform to coordinate schedules.
06. Respect privacy
Balance responsible digital safety with appropriate privacy for the child.
07. Device schedule
Establish expectations for bedtime, school nights and electronic device use.
08. Financial responsibility
Establish who pays for the device, plan and additional features.
09. Discipline
Discuss consequences for misuse and try to maintain consistent expectations.
10. Education
Stay informed about apps, online trends and digital risks.
11. Regular check-ins
Periodically discuss concerns or changes in phone usage.
12. Flexibility
Update rules as the child grows and technology changes.
GPS / Privacy Issue
The page specifically raises the issue that a child's phone may contain GPS or other tracking functionality. Address expectations about location sharing and privacy ahead of time.
Child Support
01. Understand the legal framework
- Child support is a court-ordered financial obligation.
- Each state has its own guidelines.
- Understand how calculations are made.
02. Document everything
- Bank statements
- Receipts
- Payment records
- Electronic payment screenshots
03. Communicate through the system
Use court-approved communication platforms where appropriate. Stay respectful and factual.
04. Modifications are possible
Significant changes in circumstances may justify requesting a modification, but an existing order generally remains enforceable until officially modified.
05. Know what it covers
Understand what your order covers and whether expenses such as extracurricular activities, medical expenses or school expenses are handled separately.
06. Don't assume it's fair
Understand the actual legal calculation rather than assuming the result will be what you expect.
07. Custody and support are separate
The page emphasizes that child support and visitation are legally separate issues.
08. Stay involved
Financial support is only one part of parenting. Stay involved in your child's life and advocate for parenting time.
09. Beware of imputed income
Courts may sometimes attribute earning capacity rather than relying solely on actual income. Document changes in employment and circumstances.
10. Don't let it define you
Learn, adapt and continue advocating for yourself and your child.
Future Modifications
Privacy Clause for Children
The page suggests considering language governing photographs, videos and social-media publication involving children and new significant others/spouses.
Morality Clause
The page suggests considering language concerning overnight guests during parenting time.
Significant Other / Parent Names
The page suggests considering language addressing what names new significant others may be called by the children and how each parent is referred to.
Document Pickups, Drop-offs & Important Events
Documentation protocol
The page recommends documenting exchanges and maintaining a dated record of relevant events.
- Document pickup and drop-off events.
- Keep dated photographs where legally appropriate.
- Maintain an organized journal.
- Keep copies of important communications.
- Preserve records in a secure location.
Recording laws vary
Recording conversations is governed by state and federal law. Before recording anyone, verify the applicable consent and privacy laws or consult a qualified attorney.
Remove Names From House / Car / Debt
The page emphasizes that a divorce decree does not necessarily cause a lender to remove a person's name from a loan.
Possible decree language to consider
- Establish a deadline for refinancing or otherwise removing a person's name from titled property or debt.
- Require documented proof by a specific date or event.
- Establish consequences for failure to comply.
- Address what happens if property must be sold.
The page specifically references lender obligations and the distinction between a divorce decree and a lender's contractual obligations.
Related mortgage information →Prevent Unnecessary Healthcare Disputes
The page recommends addressing healthcare expenses and reimbursement rules directly in the decree.
Example language included on the page
“Each party shall pay the health care expenses as defined in this paragraph incurred by that parent until each parent has incurred uncovered health care expense in excess of $1,000.00 per calendar year at which time the parents shall begin the reimbursement of health care expenses for those sums that exceed $1,000.00 per calendar year. Father’s share of unreimbursed mental health expenses for the children is capped at a maximum of $2,400.00 per year. A calendar year is January 1st through December 31st.
If there is to be reimbursement then Father shall pay 50% and Mother shall pay 50% of the reasonable and necessary health care expenses incurred by the children provided that the expenses incurred by that parent exceed $1,000.00 per year.”
— Robert Garza
Do not copy legal language blindly
Any proposed decree language should be reviewed for your jurisdiction, circumstances and existing orders by a qualified legal professional.
Questions to Ask Your Child's Teacher at a Conference
One of the most useful sections of the page is the teacher-conference question list. These questions can help parents understand academic performance, behavior, communication and available resources.
01 — Is my child reading on grade level?
If not, what level are they on?
What test or diagnostic measure do you use to assess?
02 — Is my child doing math on grade level?
If not, what level are they on?
What test or diagnostic measure do you use to assess?
03 — Are there computer-based learning programs?
Ask whether there are programs your child can use at home and request the appropriate login information.
The page specifically mentions I-Ready as an example.
04 — Does my child interact appropriately with peers?
Ask whether the teacher has concerns about behavior, relationships or classroom interactions.
05 — Does my child regularly complete homework?
Ask about completion patterns, missing work and whether additional support is needed.
06 — What can I do to help my child at home?
Ask the teacher for specific activities or habits that can reinforce classroom learning.
07 — Does the school offer tutoring or enrichment?
Ask whether tutoring, enrichment programs or other academic support is available.
08 — Are there high-stakes tests?
Ask whether tests are used for promotion or graduation, and ask how your child performed previously.
Ask whether percentile ranks or scale scores are available.
09 — Is there anything you need for your classroom?
The page notes that teachers often appreciate the gesture.
10 — How does the school handle communication?
Ask to add your email address and telephone number to the school's communication list.
11 — How does my child deal with authority figures?
Ask about classroom norms, rules and how the child responds when reprimanded.
— One of the questions included in the teacher-conference list attributed to Chris Colbert.
Videos & Research
The page includes several videos and external articles addressing allegations, family-court conflict, custody and 50/50 parenting schedules.
When Someone Says "It Happens to Women Too"
Video referenced in the custody discussion.
Open on YouTube →Family Court / False Allegations
Video linked from the page discussing false allegations.
Open on YouTube →The "Silver Bullet"
The page references a detailed article discussing the "silver bullet" concept.
Read: Divorce and the 'Silver Bullet' →Family Court & Children
The page links to an article discussing children being placed in the middle of family conflict.
Read the article →50/50 Parenting Schedules
The page recommends reviewing examples of 50/50 parenting schedules and specifically discusses the 2-2-3 schedule.
View 50/50 custody schedules →Resource Terminal
Before You Enter the System
DOCUMENTS
- Financial records
- Tax records
- Retirement accounts
- Insurance
- Property records
- Children's records
CHILDREN
- School information
- Medical information
- Parenting schedule
- Transportation
- Communication
- Activities
LEGAL
- Understand your state law
- Know your court process
- Understand temporary orders
- Review proposed agreements
- Get professional advice
- Keep copies of everything
FINANCIAL
- Income
- Debt
- Assets
- Insurance
- Taxes
- Future expenses
COMMUNICATION
- Keep it factual
- Avoid unnecessary conflict
- Use approved platforms
- Preserve important messages
- Think before responding
YOURSELF
- Stay healthy
- Stay employed
- Get support
- Don't isolate
- Don't make decisions in anger
- Keep moving forward
THE MATRIX RULE
Prepare. Document. Communicate. Protect your children. Know what you are signing.
The objective is not to create more conflict. The objective is to enter a difficult process informed, organized and prepared to make decisions that protect your interests and your children.
This page is educational and informational material. It is not legal advice and does not create an attorney-client relationship. Divorce, custody, parenting time, child support, property division, recording laws and other family-law issues vary by jurisdiction. Verify applicable law and consult a qualified professional for advice about your circumstances.