I am writing this as a man looking back at divorce and from my perspective.
I have learned and have grown in ways I cannot begin to describe as a result of my divorce. I was a typical guy, a product of divorce revolution of the 70’s and 80’s. I swore that I would never go through it. I found who I thought (and ignored all the warning signs) would be someone I could share my life with and build an empire. Boy, was I wrong…..
Divorce is the big “I failed” mark. Whenever you hear of a divorce, you immediately think it is the man’s fault. This is due to the media’s caricature of how marriage is, ie the guy is dumb and lazy and the woman is hard working and smart.
A man derives his worth based on how he provides. Divorce is a “I lost” and shows that we were unable to “fix” something that was wrong. His goal/desire is to provide for his family and lead it. Of course divorce is a buttload of drama, which we want no part of.
When he is served with divorce papers, he is immediately told he is a loser, his vision of life is shattered, he fears of being removed from his children are brought to the front, loss of respect from his wife, etc. And then when he goes to court thinking that all will be logical, he is berated by judges, attorneys who smile at him as they take his children and possessions away from him…all while telling him what he has to do. It makes absolutely no sense.
His children look down on him due to the alienation and all the crap their mother tells them. Family members disappear, his idea of fair play is shattered. He brings facts and data to court to defend himself only to be laughed at. He is trying to work through various feelings while the STBX plays her games….all while holding down a job, taking care of kids, etc. He is ordered to leave the home he paid for and everyone believes the lies the woman is telling everyone.
He suffers injustice upon injustice….but is told he must be calm and nice to everyone, while they are lying about him, are rude, and playing unbelievable games. They take his kids from him and take his hard earned money, such that he cannot support himself. He is faced with incarceration if he cannot pay. His wife’s attorney follows him out to his truck taunting him so that they can get information to use against him.
The ex wife cancels his car insurance and uses the overage to start her personal car insurance.
On purpose, the ex wife doesn’t tell the husband about the kids karate belt test, so he misses most of it
The ex wife gets the children (then 7 and 12) drunk and everyone in the courts, school, counselors know about it, but they not only do nothing, they remind the man that if he even drinks around his kids, he will lose them.
The ex-wife throws son into a wall and no one bats an eye
the ex wife is a hoarder and on various psychotropic meds and no one bats an eye, but wants the father to do a parenting class
the ex wife tries repeatedly to get you put in jail with false allegations (that everyone knows is false) taking you back to court for more money
the ex wife gives the kids drugs and its OK….”parental perogative”
Get called about child’s repeated tardies and that I am going to be hauled into truancy court, etc. When I get the dates and its determined that it was during the ex-wife’s time and I have no control over that…the matter is dropped.
And after all of that, he is told to just let it go…..